hiatus allready

so have just had a five day weekend of sorts,

was awsome went to a concert 20hours driving all up to get to and from, was epicly awsome though, best thing about it was there was noone keeping an eye on my eating habbits, literally had nothing the whole time i was away asides from a sprite zero and some rice cakes,

took some acid and danced solidly for around 11hours

did get a bit dizzy at one point and thought i was going to pas out hence the lemonade.

Missed my boyfriend so much, its so gay i think that i love him but in all honesty have never loved anyone before because im too scared about giving people that much controle over my emotions, the ability to crush me, i keep that privilage for myself.

do i just bite the bullet and say, hey babe, one day i really want to love you but im scared shitless tha you will discover my secrets and not want me anymore?

Found out that before we started dating that ther was this huckmole stripper living with him, not that i mind what he did before me, but i know her, and i fucking hate her, it actually annoys me to the point where i lie in bed and think, fuck that huckmole amie has proberbly laid in this exact same spot.

pathetic i know, i just want to be smaller than her but im stuck, i know that when i look at myself i think im fatter than i am apparently, but does that mean i do the same when i look at photos of her?? or do i think she is skinnyer than she actually is?

Well, all that asides had a meeting with a photographer yesterday to jusp start my modeling career, he was nice, took HEAPS of photos, i was disgusted when we did some biki shoots though, at least i can fake all the self confidence i need, will post some ofthe pics when i get them.

moonsoon poon

tea last night went....ok,
ate just the curry avoided the carbs, didnt have any alc,

anyeay worst momment was i got home and decided to play some stranger role play with the boyfriend, went to put on a corset and since the last time i wore it i needed to let the strings out, he says you need to everytime but i was devod, i think he finally got a look at what an obsessive weight watcher is like during a breakdown, does anyone else feel ashamed when you drop that veil of secracy and actually let someone see what its like, he just stood there telling me that i look like ive lost weight and that i was being unreasonable, i was just dissapointed.

ok, have done some rethinking

Have come up with the perfect solution, eat half the chicken ( i know it has 450cals in it)
and when i get home eliptical 500away, that way everyones happy, well to be honest i can see my gut rolling right now as i sit at my desk, id still rather not eat AND eliptical, but have to keep up apperances

no, dont fuck with my flow

Have fasted all day + a diet coke just so that i can go out for tea, in all honesty i dont want to go now, i have done so well to have nothing, all down the drain,
is it worse to torture myself by eating, or flag my boyfriends mates going away dinner?


 he is the one that tells me im hotter the thinner i get, but he dosnt know that i can survive for 5days upwards on nothing but ciggarettes and thinspo.

so today

so i woke up this morning and decided it felt like a 300cal day,

then realised im going out for tea with my boyfriend tonight,

I know where we are going and have figured if i burn 150cals and fast all day i can have the chicken curry with no rice or bread ( im all good with that).

But more importantly, a while ago i was staying in my homwtown with my boyfriend at a friend of mines house, we had taken a substancial ammount of spending money with us and i stashed it at hers when we went out drinking, i had forgotten that i had taken the cash out of my bag untill we checked into our hotel,

well, when i rung her she claimed that there was nothing where i had told her to put it and that my boyfriend must have taken it( she didint realise it was his to begin with).

what do you do in these situations, obviously im not going to be here friend anymore but how to you beat the shit out of someone you know that well,
but the bit im the most confused about is that she did it,
how the hell does someone that you love fuck on you when they have no reason too?
I would have lent it to her if she needed it, like serial, wtf

To start with

Well, i have decided that life is ready for a change,m i have had enough of the same old same old, i need to be able to breath.

I love my job but it dosnt make me happy, im here every day but never really here,

Im dreaming about the life that im supposed to have an have done enough dreaming and am ready to act on it.

I have a boyfriend that i love, but havnt told him,
Im open and happy and bubbly on the outside, but on the inside in synical untrusting and fat,
well not really fat i weigh63kg and am 5'7

I suffer from eating disorders, unfortunitly i cant just have one so anorexia takes up half my life and bulimia the other, its hard when half of you is telling yourself to starve and the other half is saying just stuff your face and biff it back up later...that way you wont get any fatter.

My boyfriend dosnt know about my ed's, he told me i was a bit chubby and brought me an eliptical, little does he know he is buying into and supportimg my ana and mia, i  can say to him, im not eating today, i need to fast im feeling fat andhe kisses me and tells me that im awsome, ive never had to not hide my disorder before.

Still dosnt mean that i will tell him, this is going to be my story, my rise to the top, would love your support. xxx
Miss Empire